woman. warrior. writer. 05-14-25
Vol. 6 No. 7 05-14-25
woman. warrior. writer. 05-14-25
Vol. 6 No. 7 05-14-25
Aloha!
ANALYSIS PARALYSIS
I want to start off by saying, that although I am a writer, I fully accept that we live in a visual culture. With this in mind, I invite you to carefully examine this Wheel of Power and Control that originated with the Minnesota Domestic Abuse Intervention Program in 1984. (There have since been updates from a variety of groups.) I feel it shortcuts a lot of words.
According to the World Economic Forum, women remain 130 years from gender equity. You are living your best 1895 life, but your partner may be living in 2025. This is terrible for both, BUT if you find that this wheel describes you, STOP the pity-party-boo-hoo-hoo-oh-my-partner-is-suffering-it’s-not-his-fault-he’s-flattening-me-to-dust-he’s-like-this-because
a) terrible childhood b) cultural reasons c) life is hard
Hello? Hello? YOUR LIFE IS HARD TOO. Do not enter the Suffering Olympics and never justify bullying.
Years ago, my friend sent this to me in the middle of the explosion that was my then life. I was shocked that my entire existence, one I thought was so unbelievably complicated and inexplicable, was so easily encapsulated by this graphic. What had I categorized as “the normal ups and downs of a marriage”? And why?
I divorced. Me, never a joiner, proceeded to march along with the 23% of single moms raising their kids in the USA. If you interact in a community and ¼ of the moms you know are NOT raising kids on their own, you’re in cultural minority. Your community is an aberration. Understand who you are, wherever you play in the sandbox of life.
Now? Life is imperfect—often dramatically so, but it’s my own wheel. I’m aware that I was fortunate that I was able to divorce and that I had support, help, and people who were there for me. Many women cannot and this is almost always because of a combination of community and money. More the latter. If you waved a wad of cash in front of many women currently married with kids, many women would be heading for the hills. A while back, a friend and I were talking about her ex in terms of her serious lifestyle adjustment. I said: “Wait a sec. Do you want him back or would you rather have two million in cash?” Epic. Silence. Then laughter. Marriage is also a business agreement.
Stats show that women put in longer hours than men when considering outside plus household labor, and this doesn’t include invisible labor. Modern life is tough for everyone. But that is no justification for cruelty. Another thing: putting up with it, being empathetic, it was never a sign of your weakness, only your strength. Know this.
Life is short. There are waves to catch. There’s ice cream to eat. Clean air to breathe. Yes, we are all stardust, but think about what is pulverizing you into the ground and avoid the idealization. Exit Petrarchan sonnet-land. Pivot instead to poet Mary Oliver: “Tell me, what is it you plan to do/ with your one wild and precious life?”
If you find yourself on this Wheel, do online research and ask yourself how you want to live. And if you want to clarify where you are, check out my Oprah Daily write-up and the e-guide BREAK: How to Write Your Divorce Story.
Often we need just one person to believe that we can transform our lives. THAT IS ME.
I wrote this guide: for you.
CLASSES
Intersectionality: Manuscript Workshop (6 weeks) SUNDAYS, 9-11AM (PDT) June 15-29; July 13-27 (No Class 7/6): Workshop, one-on-ones, accountability sessions. Work on your novel, short stories, essays, memoir. Submit some writing and let’s chat. Contact writer@drstephaniehan.com $719 Former students $647
How to Write Your Divorce Story and Transform Your Life WEDNESDAY 6/4 12-1230PDT/9-9:30 (HST) I’m giving a FREE 30 minute one-off class to try some new material out. Women only. Get the link writer@drstephaniehan.com
RESOURCES
BREAK: How to Write Your Divorce Story $29 a downloadable e-guide to help you write your divorce story for your legal/personal file. Doing so leads to transformation. Check out my interview with Oprah Daily!
I designed this e-guide so that ANY woman can write her divorce story.
Dictate into your phone
Answer the e-guide questions
Transcribe the answers
Print it out
Stick it in a file marked PERSONAL. Hang on to this. Hand over another copy to your lawyer and ask: will it help your legal case?
Write the story of your past to live a better future. For e-guide reviews see here. Free copies for those in severe financial need writer@drstephaniehan.com
AANHPI MONTH
Resource for literary or art criticism.
REV-STEPH
Betcha didn’t know that I’m a licensed minister (9 years) from the Universal Life Church. I can and have done weddings! Yeah, embrace the paradox. I do.
VISITS
Caught up with Elizabeth Su (AAWCWW/WWW) author of The Adventure Tarot Deck for Self-Discovery in Waikiki: psychology, intuition, and story—check it out!
Get your WWW merch. and support women writers in workshop!
Author Susan Muaddi Darraj wrote Behind You Is the Sea, a great read that illuminates Palestinian American lives. I have also taught A Curious Land: Stories From Home and you can read a great essay of hers in What My Father And I Don’t Talk About: Sixteen Writers Break the Silence. Darraj is a significant voice—she reaches a wide cross-section of readers with impeccable skill. I will discuss her work as part of my fall relaunch of WWW. I plan to discuss writers in more depth and support those who need help with teaching literature. Please include her work on your syllabus. (or book club) The stories work for grade 10 on up. She also has an early reader grades 2-5 series. Get your students talking.
SEND UPDATES!
Former WWW, syllabus authors, and students please send updates! Nominate a WWW (including yourself) for fall 2025 — contact writer@drstephaniehan.com
Aloha,
Stephanie
Oh, I remember seeing this graphic for the first time, too, at an in-person divorce support group. Your offerings sound vital! Thank you for doing what you do. (Fellow single momma of two.)